A New Project!
Please a moment to read about MOVE Your Marriage...
Ever since Equal Partners came out, one of the most common things I hear is…
“I wish you wrote this 10 (or 15 or 20) years ago when I had my first child. I wish I had this information back then, so my partner and I could have made different decisions. I’m pretty sure things would have been really different if we had a conversation about equal partnership at the start.”
(No joke – I heard this again on a call this morning!)
And all of you who think this – you’re not alone! There is a ton of data that tells us that the most disruptive milestone in a family’s life is the addition of that first child. All of the parents reading this know that kids change everything. Mostly for the good. But kids also require so much time and attention and money – that they really turn your life upside down. And in that upside down, decisions are made, and patterns form – and, for better or for worse, those patterns stay with you for the lifetime of your family.
The more time that passes, the longer our patterns take root, and the harder it is to make changes. (Not impossible, but much harder.) So, you might as well establish patterns that work for BOTH of you from the beginning.
Sadly, we can’t turn the clock back for those of us who are older. But we can change things for young couples moving forward.
I’m not the only one who sees the benefits of building good habits early on. Brian Page, founder of Modern Husbands, has found the same thing. He works with couples to establish healthy financial teamwork – and he also stresses that the early days are essential for long-term financial health.
Ashley Brichter of Birthsmarter, has a different perspective, but has come to the same conclusion. She has helped thousands of couples through her peri-natal classes, and she says – birth classes are not enough! Couples go through her classes and bring their baby home… and they need more help. Because there are SO MANY things you’re juggling at that point in life.
There’s the MONEY stuff. Should we start a college savings account this early? How? Where? How much do we put in? How do we balance saving for a home, saving for college, and retirement? What are the best choices we can make now that will help us take care of our family in the future?
There’s the OPERATIONS stuff. How do we share all the stuff that needs doing so we can both excel at work, both have time to be a parent, and both have a little time left over for fun & relaxation?
There’s the VALUES stuff. How do we live the values that are most important to us?
And there’s the EMPATHY stuff. How do we do all of the above with understanding, respect, and empathy for each other? How do we maintain love and intimacy through everything life is throwing at us?
So, here’s the result….
Brian, Ashley, and I have joined forces to create MOVE Your Marriage. MOVE is an intimate, immersive experience for young couples. In this 1.5 day “weTreat” couples will tackle some hard topics, make some decisions together, leave feeling a sense of accomplishment, and have a clear path forward. Boxes checked, decisions made! Plus we’ll make sure there plenty of good food & drinks, so the weekend has an indulgent getaway vibe – not an academic conference vibe.
(And how much do you love the term weTreat? Full credit – that was Ashley’s idea!)
Every couple is unique, and every couple should write their own rules. But does anyone start a new research project without doing a literature review first? Does anyone start a new business without doing a market analysis? Of course not. So why wouldn’t a young couple want to consider all the available research and information before deciding how they want to proceed with their family? I mean, why re-invent the wheel?
But no one wants to sit on google for hundreds of hours, either. And there are so many books and resources available! Where do you start? Which one do you choose?
Brian, Ashley, and I have distilled years of our own research, experience & coaching into one workshop weekend. It isn’t about telling anyone what to do… it is about presenting the best of what is out there, asking the right questions, and allowing couples to figure out their own way forward. Basically – we offer participants all the information we wish we had when we had our first child, served on a silver platter.
Check out our sample agenda here.
So far, we have three weekends on the calendar you can choose from!
August 2-3 in NY
October 4-5 in NY
Jan 24-25 in DC
Past the MOVE stage?
I know that a lot of you reading this substack are past this point in your life. But here’s my ask for you: please share this post with anyone who might be at the MOVE phase of their life. And talk about how making decisions early can save so much conflict, heart-ache and frustration down the line. Maybe gift them a MOVE retreat – or help them finance it! Baby shower gifts are fun; we all love shopping for tiny clothes and toys. But babies outgrow those teeny outfits in weeks. MOVE is a true investment in that growing family; 1.5 days to tackle some of the hard stuff life is going to throw at them.
Check out our website, tell your family and friends, and please help us get the word out.
What do YOU wish you knew when you were starting your family? What information would you like to send back to your younger self? Let me know!
We fully acknowledge that not every couple can afford the price tag, or live in NY and DC. We’re working to grow the program to other areas and get sponsorship so we can offer scholarships. In the meantime we are well aware that financial limitations and childcare realties will make it challenging for some couples to attend a MOVE weTreat, but please fill out this form if you are at all interested so that Brian, Kate, and I can stay in touch and learn more about you and what it would make it possible for you to attend.
Just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’re covering this topic. I’m 70 years old now but was the first guy to attend a university’s Women’s Studies program when it began in 1974 and immediately became a feminist. Two years later, after my ex and I joined Planned Parenthood to take birthing classes in preparation for our first child, I began realizing not only the importance of young men waking up to the fact that societal norms and expectations were such that there was both a major imbalance in the roles of men and women, who are stereotyped and shortchanged in more ways than one can imagine, and was determined to live my own life as having an equal partner.
Fifty years later, after being a Mr. Mom of 3 kids who are now forty-something, I could definitely write a book on all the lessons and experiences that have made me a stronger and better person, as well as the difficulties that I encountered in a system where it is still difficult, if not impossible, to be understood or respected in having taken the high road.
The moral of the story is that I have great empathy and respect for women and the shit that you encounter in our culture and am with you all the way — Keep Fighting!!!
This is really cool, I hope it is a huge success!