Masculinity is on the Ballot

Why Men Should Vote Like a Dad

In August I had the opportunity to co-facilitate a men and masculinities workshop with a group of professionals who do international democracy-strengthening. I like co-facilitating with technical teams because I learn so much in the process. While working with this group of experts I learned about the many intersections of women’s rights and democracy. Around the world, women are disproportionately dissuaded from running for election, face tougher scrutiny as candidates, are criticized for abandoning domestic responsibilities when in office, face misogyny within their own political parties, and are often used as “tokens” of gender equality. Women are also often dissuaded from voting or coerced to vote in accordance with their husband’s or father’s beliefs.

And I am not talking about other places, in other countries, far away from wherever you are. Wherever you sit reading this – we see these inequities in every community; no country, state or province is immune. Some situations are more subtle and some more overt – but in virtually no place do women have equal access to participation in their democracy.

This is what I had in mind when a colleague shared a WSJ article with me: Behind the Movement to Turn Back the Clock on Gender Roles. There were many (many, many) troubling points in this piece, but one quote from a 20-year old man struck me as a perfect example of gender bias in my country’s democracy.

“I feel like I’m not in control of anything,” said Warady, who added that he supports LGBTQ rights and wants to feel similar support. “The men are supposed to be the breadwinners, the protectors, and you see women doing all these big things. I’m all for it, I love it, but with that you’re going to have to accept the loss of masculinity.”   

This mirrors other news I have read about Gen-Z and young Millennial men gravitating to the political right, due to discomfort with women leaders.

But until we dig into our issues, and talk about our biases, we are never going to see real change. So, if you’ll indulge me, I think it would be interesting to break that quote down.

“I feel like I’m not in control of anything.”

I asked my husband, Evan, what he thought of this. He shrugged. “That doesn’t make any sense. Why does he need to control anything?  You’re one person. You can’t really control anything but yourself. Why does this guy feel like he should be controlling things around him? Where did he get that expectation from?”

There has long been an unspoken but pervasive assumption that masculinity is a zero-sum game. That men are the leaders, the controllers – and so a woman in a position of power would somehow diminish men’s power and authority. I suppose if you see the world that way, then a female President – or supervisor or CEO or professor – would feel belittling.

But that isn’t the only point of view. Let’s keep going.

“The men are supposed to be the breadwinners, the protectors.”

This is a widely held, traditional norm: to be a real man – or at least a self-respecting man – you need to be a provider. This is why many women, even those who out-earn their male partners, feel the need to downplay their own financial success to build the esteem of their husbands.

One of the biggest take-aways from writing Equal Partners was the limitation this perception of men as ‘financial providers’ has on our society, especially on men. Defined in terms of finances, this term is narrow and specific. But we all know children require much more than money to thrive: children need love, care, attention, hugs and empathy. Kids need to be read to, to be bathed, to be fed, to have their pull-ups changed. Kids need help learning how to do for themselves so they can become independent. Money only does so much – and in fact, kids probably need less stuff than we think they do. What kids really need is their parents’ time.

Take income out of the equation, and there is still so much men can do to provide for their children. We need to expand our definition of “provide” so that men don’t feel boxed into such a narrow role.

“But with that you’re going to have to accept the loss of masculinity.”   

OK, that’s one way to look at it. That men are losing something. But there’s another perspective.

If working women can shift gender norms and excel at “male-coded” behaviors in leadership, then men can shift gender norms and excel at “female coded” behavior. We’re already seeing this happen; we have more stay-at-home dads than ever before, we see more men doing flexible work to make time for themselves and their families, and we see more men doing rewarding caregiving work.

If I ever had the opportunity to speak to Warady, I would share my perspective – that he does not need to accept a loss of masculinity. In fact, it is actually narrowly-defined traditional masculinity that is likely holding him back. What he is facing is actually a gain in masculinity; a new era where there are infinite acceptable ways to be a man.

I’ve said this a thousand times before: gender equality is not just for the benefit of women and girls. Gender equality is good for all of us. Especially Warady.   

Vote Like a DAD!

Ideally, I’d love to see us shift away from the gender binary completely, and stop linking our concept of human behavior as either masculine or feminine. I’d prefer our society value a more universal set of characteristics that people of all genders could exhibit freely.

But I know we’re not quite there yet. In the meantime, I’m thinking about how women’s rights are playing out in U.S. political races. I’m making note when our candidates are treated differently because of their gender identity. And I am supporting movements like Equimundo’s Vote Like a Dad campaign, which embraces a revised definition of masculinity, and aims to get dads to vote for candidates who support family-friendly policies. Please share this information with the dads in your life!

• Pew Research found that 85% of fathers with children under 18 say being a parent is the most important or one of the most important aspects of who they are as a person.

• 2.5 million households in the U.S. are headed by a single father.

• 4 million U.S. households are in the “sandwich” generation, which means men are caring both for children and for aging family members.

• On average, young families spend 25% of their income on childcare. (Sounds like affordable childcare is a pretty important issue for dads too.)