Scrooge, Fathers, Holidays and Love

Twin Substack with my friend, Ed Frauenheim

One of the timeless stories of the holiday season has to do with a strained, distant father-child relationship. Many people think A Christmas Carol is about ghosts, or an incorrigible man. Actually, the root of the story is about a father who acts coldly to his son, Ebenezer Scrooge, sending him off to boarding school and leaving there even during the holidays. Largely as a result, Scrooge becomes bitter and miserly.

Unfortunately, many real-life fathers today aren’t close to their children either. More than a quarter of adults say they have been estranged from their fathers.

Disconnection from fathers isn’t surprising, given the way men have been socialized to suppress emotions, focus on being providers and protectors, and feel obliged to discipline children with a firm hand.

But as Dickens’ classic Christmas story reminds us, poor relationships between fathers and children result in lasting wounds.

For some, the holiday season could be a opportunity to begin to heal. Fathers and children can take several steps to repair torn bonds or strengthen existing ties.

My friend and colleague Ed Frauenheim decided to do what we’re calling a “Twin Substack” on this topic; with the same start and the same issue - but with our own individual perspective and approach. Read on for my thoughts on strengthening father/child relationships over the holidays, and click here for Ed’s thoughts.

Dads Love to Talk About Love

In 2020-2021 I interviewed 30 fathers. Those interviews helped inform the content of Equal Partners - but there was one big lesson I learned from that process that I never captured in one of the chapters. And that is this: dads like to talk about love, romance, birth, and parenting.

Whatever your cultural assumption is about men and feelings - I ask you to put that aside. It is true, the dads I interviewed had rarely shared these intimate stories before. But it wasn’t because they didn’t have something to say - it was because no one had ever bothered to ask.

So many of these men, at some point in the interview, would pause and say - “Huh, no one ever asked me that before!” But then they would dive into long and detailed descriptions. I asked these dads how they met their spouse, and when they first knew they were in love. I asked them about their wedding day. I asked them about the day they found out they were going to be a dad, and about the birth of their children. I asked them what was hard about being a dad, and what was most wonderful about being a dad.

And let me tell you - these guys had so much to say! It didn’t always come out easy, or fast - sometimes it took a while for them to put their feelings into words. But in the end, their stories were beautiful.

After my book came out, I realized that I had asked strangers deeper questions than I had asked my own father. So in 2022 I asked my dad if he was open to an interview, and he agreed. I asked my dad the same questions I asked the other fathers, and on a lark, I recorded the zoom meeting.

I certainly did not expect my dad to die a year later. But now that he is gone, I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I still have that file saved on my computer. When I want to hear my dad’s voice, or hear his stories, I can just hit play.

The Gender Angle

One last point - this is important for strengthening father / child bonds. But it is also important for great gender equality. As I’ve said before, it is great that women are achieving more in the professional space. But we won’t see real social change until men are allowed to lean into the personal space. Being vulnerable with the dads in our life - be them biological or chosen - is an important step in this process.

How Do I Do This?

This holiday season, as you visit the “dads” in your life — older male relatives and friends you may not see during your usual routine — think about the questions you can ask. Not just the usual stuff, but questions that push gender boundaries, and get to different information than usual.

Now, you can’t just ask your great-uncle how he fell in love in front of a crowd during a white elephant exchange! There’s a time and a place for everything. And we know that lots of Baby Boomer men are uncomfortable with deeper conversations. (No one has better articulated this discomfort than SNL.)

Give it time. Look for a quiet moment. Maybe bring it up during a walk, a drive to the store, or an after-dinner lull. And if you never actually bring yourself to ask the question - that’s OK. I’m all about giving ourselves time and grace. Maybe next time.

And for the dads reading this post (I know there are many of you) you don’t have to wait to be asked. Think about the stories you share with your kids - and consider sharing new and different stories than the usual family lore.

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Remember to click here for Ed’s thoughts! And hope you have a wonderful holiday. See you in 2025!