Talking to Students about Gender
Sophisticated Questions from Students | Caregiving Survey | Happy Pride!
To all the graduates out there – congratulations!
Lately, I have been reminded that education has changed dramatically from when I was a kid – for the better! I am impressed with the complex issues and topics that are tackled in today’s classrooms. Just last week I chatted with a 5th grader about her project on Venezuelan refugees and high school students at my daughter’s school are piloting a robot to clean pollution from oceans.
Kids are also having interesting conversations about gender. Last month I had the opportunity to meet with several groups who are younger than my usual target audience. I know I am invited into these spaces as the “expert,” but I always end up learning so much myself. Each group has taught me that kids are way more capable than we think they are, and no one is ever too young to talk about gender norms.
I’d like to share a bit from a recent exchange with a group of seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds in Austria. (Yep – Austria! Who knew? One of their teachers read Equal Partners, reached out to me, and we ended up doing a zoom meeting with about 50 students + teachers.)
I wasn’t sure what exactly they wanted me to talk about – so I asked the teacher to collect questions from the students, and I would weave my responses together into a bit of a presentation.
The students did not disappoint. In fact, they far exceeded my expectations. Here are some examples of the questions asked:
How does a person’s gender affect the workplace? And how can companies decrease cases of sexual harassment?
How can a couple avoid negative impacts of gender roles in a relationship?
How should we react to sexist comments?
How do men suffer from sexism?
What are the patterns around violence against women? And what can we do about it?
What key historical events have contributed to the gender inequality we see today?
No way could I have articulated these questions at their age.
The discussion that followed was fantastic. Many students shared their own experiences with gender inequality and asked brave questions. One question, however, really stumped me. A student asked, and I’ll paraphrase:
“My household is very traditional. Both my parents work full time, but my mother does all the cooking and cleaning, and she takes care of me and my little sisters. She is always busy and always stressed. But my father doesn’t do anything in the home. And it really bothers me that he just sits back and lets my mom do everything. I try to step up and help as much as I can – but what can I do about this? How can I get him to do more?”
I’ve had plenty of people ask me this question in reference to their partner. But never their father – and never from a minor. I probably floundered a bit in the moment; probably scared of doing more harm than good. Here’s the gist of what I came up with as a response….
“To be honest, I am not sure that you can do much. As a minor, living in your parent’s household, the reality is that you don’t have much power. If your home is a safe environment, one without violence or the threat of violence, you can share your perspective with your parents. But your mother is an adult – and your father is an adult. And I do not think you can force them to change.
“I think the best thing you can do is continue to care about this issue. Choose words that support gender equality. Have this conversation with your friends and classmates – not just once, but regularly. As you grow older, you will be prepared to make informed choices. You can make it clear to potential partners that equality is important to you – and you’ll be able to articulate what that equality looks like. You’ll be able to “see” inequality in higher education or a workplace, and you’ll do something about it. You can harness your lived experiences to create something better for yourself – and to be a good role model to others.”
Ever since that call, I’ve been thinking about that young woman, and her question. And I wonder if my response was adequate.
I asked my twelve-year-old for her thoughts. No surprise, Beatrice had a different approach than my own. “I think she should talk to her dad more directly. Because what he is doing is wrong. And it is not fair to the mom. And he needs to hear that. Even if he doesn’t change, he should hear it. Also, if this girl is trying to do more in the home to help her mom - well, that’s really nice. But in the end, she’s just repeating the cycle and perpetuating this idea that girls and women do housework and men don’t.”
This is why I enjoy talking to younger audiences - because I am pushed to question things in a new way, from a new perspective. Sure, these are big concepts; they can feel daunting at any age. But avoiding subjects like misogyny and inequality and sexism and gender-based violence does not make it all go away; in fact, just the opposite. We need to talk to kids about these issues openly and directly so we can work together to address them. And the earlier we can start these conversations, the better.
And icing on the cake - I always feel optimistic after these discussions. They give me hope for the future.
If you are interested in hosting an event with an elementary, middle school, high school or college group, please let me know! I’m always happy to do pro-bono work with students.
Many of you know I am a proud Rutgers Alum – so I am extra excited to be partnering with Lisa Kaplowitz and the Rutgers Center for Women in Business to research how personal caregiving experiences can benefit our workplaces.
This survey should take no longer than 5 minutes. We welcome all stories related to caregiving: child care, elder care, care for people with a disability and/or illness. We’d love to hear from you!
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We still have a long way to go to achieve real gender equality - even more evident by some of the backlash we’re seeing towards the LGBTQ+ community in recent weeks. We know that we need to fight harder for transgender inclusion, and we need to make sure our companies and organizations are inclusive of LGBTQ+ rights every month of the year - not just in June.
“This world would be a whole lot better if we just made an effort to be less horrible to one another.” - Elliot Page
HAPPY PRIDE.
Definitely a high interest topic for students - thanks for talking to them!
What amazing questions! (And how cool that you got to have these conversation w kids in Austria!)
I found myself thinking about your conversation w the daughter in the unequal household & your conversation w your daughter. 50 yr old me is much more likely to respond as you did. 12-year-old me tried to have conversations w dad (via notes b/c there was no WAY I could broach such subjects in conversation). It didn't help or change anything, which is probably part of why 50 yr old me would mostly say what you did. But I think those of us who are adults can become jaded by those experiences. We perhaps apply & over-generalize our experiences. I think we need 12-yr-olds -- newer people in the world -- to encourage us to try, and remind us that we really can't predict outcomes, so maybe we should try.