Why We All Need to Watch "Adolescence"

My social feeds have been packed full of Adolescence for the last two weeks. Are you hearing about it too, or does this prove how skewed my LinkedIn algorithm is? Regardless – Adolescence sheds light on an issue that I’ve been talking about with other gender specialists for years. And I am grateful to have a newsy moment to share some thoughts on the subject.

If you have not heard, Adolescence is a new 4-part drama on Netflix. Set in northern England, the series chronicles the experience of a Jamie, a 13-year old boy, who is accused of murdering a 13-year old girl. (None of this information will spoil the series for you – you can deduce this much from the trailer.)

One of the main characters in Adolescence is not a person, but the collective online community referred to as the “manosphere.” But unlike Jamie and the other fictional characters in this series, the manosphere is real.

The term manosphere refers to a loose association of blogs, incels, men’s rights organizations, pick-up artists, and gaming platforms. Together, all of these contributors promote hypermasculinity, overt misogyny, violence, anti-feminism, homophobia and transphobia.

Again, this is not new. Equimundo and Futures Without Violence have been collecting manosphere data for years, and published The Manosphere-Rewired report in 2024. But I am seeing more and more references to the manosphere in mainstream media, and Adolescence is now helping to spread the word about how dangerous the manosphere can be.

I won’t lie, this series is hard to watch. I binged all four hours in one day, mostly because I just wanted to get through it. I cried multiple times, and was flat-out sobbing at the end. Maybe it is because I have my own 10-year old son at home. But I think anyone who has ever loved a little boy would find this drama particularly grueling. And still, I think it is essential that every parent (and grandparent, aunt, uncle, caregiver, coach, teacher) watch it.

Here is why this is important for you.

The manosphere started as an ultra-right movement relegated to the fringes of the internet. But around 2010 the manosphere started to go mainstream; you can now find manosphere contributors and influencers on very common platforms: TikTok, YouTube, Reddit and Discord… even in Fantasy Leagues. And it continues to pick up momentum. If you have a boy in your life aged 12-25, chances are very high that he has had some sort of run in with the manosphere. Not to be alarmist, but he might be interacting with the manosphere regularly without you even knowing it. And even if he’s not, then other boys around him are likely absorbing messages from the manosphere.

The manosphere is impacting not just boys like Jamie in the UK – but the lives of millions of boys and young men around the world. It is predatorial – going after boys during their most awkward, most vulnerable years. Let’s be honest, no one really feels great about themselves in middle school. It is the time in life when you probably need the most love, the most support, and the most reassurance. Boys might not directly ask themselves, “what definition of masculinity do I accept? What kind of man do I want to be?” But essentially, that is what is going on inside their heads. They’re choosing role models, forming opinions about the world around them, and figuring out how they fit into it. When boys don’t find role models to emulate in real life, they look for support in digital communities. That’s where the manosphere goes to work, planting harmful ideas into young brains:

Women are objects and property – mere tokens for men to manipulate for their own comfort and pleasure. If you are not getting attention from females, it is their fault – not yours – and you need to trick or manipulate them into sex. Your economic future is scary and uncertain, not to any fault of your own. Corruption is natural, democracy is bad, and violence is a necessary means to an end.

Because these conversations are all happening online, kids can engage for hours a day without supervision. Every time a kid is in their room, or curled up on the couch, or in the backseat of the car staring into a device… there is a potential for interaction. In the good old days, parents knew when their kids were hanging out with “bad influences” after school. Kids had to sneak out to get into trouble. Now kids can get into plenty of trouble in their own home. We can no longer assume that because our kids are at home, they are safe.

I am not trying to scare anyone – I also have two kids who spend way more time on devices than they should. I am certainly not monitoring my kids’ content intake 24/7, and no kid is going to fall into the manosphere overnight. But it is important that we are aware that kids are receiving these messages, and that we don’t put our heads in the sand and hope it doesn’t happen in our home.

We need to do our best to educate ourselves so that we can talk to our kids about the messages they are hearing. We need to be offering counter narratives and reinforcing human rights and values:

Girls and women are just as deserving of respect as boys and men. Gay, trans and non-binary people are just as deserving of respect as cis and straight people. If a girl turns you down, it doesn’t mean all women are against you – it just means this one relationship didn’t work out. Women are not something to be dominated and controlled. Violence is not the answer. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not – we love you just the way you are.

Talking to Boys

Every bit of research out there says that talking to kids about hard things helps them avoid making mistakes. Talking to your kids about condoms, for example, won’t push them into having sex – they’re going to have sex regardless. But having that tough conversation can drive them towards having safe sex. One of my favorite books of all time, Girls and Sex by Peggy Orenstein, talks about how girls who grow up in households that openly and truthfully discuss sexual violence are less likely to actually experience sexual violence.

These data points from the 2023 The State of American Men report tell a disturbing reality.

• Boys are more likely than girls to be exposed to gendered, hateful content on social media.

• 66% of boys believe that “no one really understands me.”

• 48% of young men say their online lives are more rewarding than their offline ones.

• Children exposed to misogynistic content on social media are five times as likely to view physically hurting another person as acceptable.

When boys do not get what they need in their offline lives, and they don’t have anyone to talk to at home, they turn to the internet for connection and guidance. This is where they find Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson.

So, what do adults need to do? We need to sit down with our sons and nephews and grandsons and ask…. Who in your life really understands you? And if their answer is no one, we can’ get mad. We need to either find a way to become that person, or help him find someone who does understand him. Otherwise, we roll the dice on where they look, and who they find to fill that gap.

Using Adolescence as a Conversation Starter

If the kids in your life are old enough, watch the series with them. My friend Kip Ioane, founder of Teams of Men, put together a fantastic viewers guide for fathers and coaches to use with teenagers. (You can request a free copy here.)

I’ll add a few discussion prompts of my own. ALERT: these questions give away some plot points from the show.

• Episode 1: Jamie keeps repeating “I didn’t do it.” Do you think part of him believed that he was innocent? Why might he think that?

• Episode 2: The adults in this episode don’t exhibit a lot of power. They try different tactics to control the students, but the kids always prevail. Is it like this in your school? What is the same/different in your life?

• Episode 3: It is interesting that the actor they chose to play the psychologist was a young, pretty woman. How do you think her appearance influenced the way Jamie treated her? How do you think Jamie might have interacted with her if she were male? Older? Unattractive?

• Episode 4: How do Jamie’s mom and sister act around Jamie’s dad? Do you think this household dynamic had an influence on Jamie? Also, think about the story that Jamie’s mom and dad talked about in the car. (The one about bowling shoes.) How do you think the dad felt, when his wife brought up such a painful memory? Has this ever happened to you? How can you redirect a conversation if someone is sharing an embarrassing moment from your past?

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Good luck talking to the boys in your life! If you’ve had any success, please let us know, so we can all learn from each other.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post, thank you for reading! I would appreciate you forwarding this to anyone in your life who might be interested.