Work Boundaries; Caregiving; Social Shifts and Gender-Based Violence
Happy New Year! I hope this find everyone safe and healthy.
If you are a subscriber, you know that I write about gender norms and household balance for dual working families – often focusing on the how these issues play out at home. But sometimes it is good to talk about the work context as well, because our work environments have a massive impact on what we can (and cannot) do in our domestic space. I had an experience earlier this month that was an important reminder of the influence employers have.
Evan, the kids, and I took a vacation the first two weeks of January. We had been planning this trip for nearly a year, so it was easy enough to give my clients fair warning and keep that chunk of time clear from work responsibilities. But for one client, a HUGE new project came down the pipeline just before Christmas. All the meetings and planning were scheduled for the exact weeks I was to be gone. Throughout December, while clicking “decline” on all the meeting invites, I felt guilty about letting the team down; fearful I was not pulling my weight.
I’ve had bosses in the past who would have said, “can you work a few hours at night – maybe from the hotel?” Or, “can you just do a couple meetings here and there?” Or the worst, “is there any way you can delay your trip? Or maybe cut it a little short? This is really important for us.” I know this because it has happened; I can think of one supervisor in particular, who often asked me to change vacation plans to suit his work calendar. I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences.
But that didn’t happen this time. Thanks to CZ and SW (you lovely people know who you are) I was told, “I am treating you the way I want others to treat me; family is 100,000% important. Do not think about work. We got this. Enjoy yourself!”
I can’t tell you how freeing that was. These people not only protected my vacation, but gave me full permission to focus on family and let work go for a while. Without this clear and direct message, I would have likely compromised family time to pitch in with work. And for sure I would have regretted it.
For anyone who is a supervisor, manager, director, or team leader – remember how important it is to protect family time for others. Whether someone takes time off for a vacation, to fulfill caregiving responsibilities, or for personal health reasons we need to clearly and directly give each other permission to step away from work once in a while. This is important for emotional health and work-life balance, and there is a clear gender component. After all, one cannot do half the physical and emotional labor in a home if they are expected to be working 24/7.
If we want our partners to step up at home, we need to encourage our colleagues to step back from work.
Book Recommendation!
I finished Already Toast: Caregiving and Burnout in America by Kate Washington just before the holidays. The book talks about big issues around gender and caregiving through the author’s personal story about being a mother of two and caregiver to her husband during the years he battled cancer.
I am always grateful when a writer assigns words to an incomplete thought that has been bouncing around in my head; it gives me the ability to talk about things I could not previously articulate. Already Toast did just that. Washington’s words were raw and honest, and though her experiences are very different from my own, her story resonated with me. If you are struggling with a caregiving situation, or have a friend/family member who is – you too might find comfort in Already Toast.
Side note – I had the pleasure of (virtually) meeting Kate and chatting with her on the phone. She is just as kind and sincere in-person as her written voice.
I feel the need to talk about a gender conversation that developed last week in Costa Rica. Following a horrific sexual assault on a tourist in early 2022, the Costa Rican government was taken to task by women’s rights advocates and the national media for a government tourism guide published last summer. The “Good Security Practices in Tourist Operations” guide – which was approved by the National Commission of Tourist Security and the National Women’s Institute – sent a clear message to female travelers: If you don’t want to be assaulted during your vacation in Costa Rica, then don’t drink excessively, don’t dress provocatively, and don’t send flirty mixed-messages to your guide.
After the President of Costa Rica denounced the guide and violence against women, Costa Rica’s largest newspaper La Nación delivered a spectacular response – calling the President’s response “insufficient” – that has transformed the guide into a national conversation on gender-based violence. Below is an English translation excerpt:
“Women are not raped or killed because of how they look, or because they run the risk of "getting out of control" when drinking alcoholic beverages. Nor because they are afraid to say “no” or send the “wrong signals” to men. They are raped and killed, whether nationals or foreigners, because of the persistence of a social decay called patriarchy. Pretending to teach women proper behavior for "self-protection" means blaming them for failing to fulfill a subordinate social role under the rules imposed by machismo.”
People took to the streets. The demonstrations were covered by media, and local civil society demanded accountability and justice. Advocates called out the development and publication of the guide as evidence of the lack of understanding of gender-based violence within the government. I’m not talking about a few fringe people or organizations – this was a mainstream conversation. And in response, politicians and government agencies were forced to support their constituents. The guide was taken down from the government website, apologies were made, and a complete edit of the guide was promised for the future.
As I watched this unfold, I was – to be perfectly honest – pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of public support for survivors. This felt … different. Twenty years ago, I doubt we would have seen this level of response in Costa Rica – or anywhere else. I think this recent conversation is illustrative of the progress that global advocates have made and evidence of real social shifts.
This is by no means an endpoint. And in the wake of a violent assault of a young tourist, it certainly is not a cause for celebration. Gender-based violence exists in every corner of the world, and we have a task before us that often feels insurmountable. But last week Costa Rica moved a little closer towards something better. And that gives me hope.
See you next time! Please feel free to share this with anyone who might be interested!