100% - fantastically written and right on point, Kate. Hoping fervently that enough Harris voters show up and elect President Harris, avoiding an acceleration of this patriarchal domination!
It is absolutely true that NO ONE should be able to tell someone else how to vote. And trying to do so by threatening violence, or actually being violent, is a crime. However, I think it goes too far to say that someone who believes that married couples should vote the same is supporting violence. Too many things are accused of being “violence” these days when they are in fact only words, and Constitutionally protected words at that, and I believe this is a key factor in the attempts to shut down freedom of speech that seem to be coming with increasing frequency from both sides of the political spectrum. Telling someone how to vote is words, and there’s a fine line between discussing and telling, but in either case a person can ignore it and vote as they choose. Hitting them or threatening to hurt them for not doing what you told them is indeed violence, but I don’t see anyone advocating for that.
A couple trying to convince each other to vote one way or another is not what I am talking about. What I tried to explain is that GBV is not narrowly defined by hitting or rape. It is defined as using the patriarchy, and the unequal distribution of social power, to control women and women’s choices - including a woman’s vote. Saying “if my wife votes Kamala - that is the same as cheating” is not simple banter. That is a threat.
I guess I find it a little insulting that I might have to do what I’m told because of patriarchy. I have free will. I have equal rights under the law. If someone is truly threatening me I can leave. But while I agree with you that saying that voting for a candidate is the same as cheating is first class assholery, I can’t go so far as to say it’s violence. I’m not trying to be pedantic here, but I think differentiating between speech and violence is actually a really important issue.
Here’s the crux of my message - there is a real power imbalance in our society. Because of long existing patriarchy, GBV happens all across the USA in every income group, in every religion, in every community. Clearly it doesn’t happen in your home - that’s great. But it happens in your town - and my town and community. Maybe it even happens in our extended family. And it is something that despite the high numbers of victims - we as a country don’t talk about it enough, and few people are aware of official definitions.
If my husband told me who to vote for - I would tell him where to shove it. Sounds like you would, too. You’re right - it is our protected right. But what we clearly have in our home is not what every woman has in her home. We can’t make the assumption that if we are capable of telling our husband no - that every other woman is too.
The reality is that a lot of women are pressured and intimidated to change their behavior b/c they live in a household with abuse. It starts small - “maybe you should not see that friend anymore, I don’t like the way she riles you up.” Or “maybe you don’t need to work so much, so you can be home and focus on me and the kids.” And there is the underlying threat of “and if you don’t - there will be consequences.” Sometimes those consequences are physical, sometimes sexual, and sometimes physiological, sometimes economic. But they are real - and they are scary. Voting is not going to be an isolated incident. If you’re living in a home with GBV, its just going to be another tactic of control.
I wrote this substack b/c I don’t like the way the media covered this story. I don’t think we should just dismiss those “assholery comments” as poor taste.
Think of a woman living in a household with GBV. Her husband regularly intimates her and manipulates her to do things she doesn’t want to do. She’s probably led to believe that she deserves it, or she can’t do better on her own. Or maybe she’s just plain scared - because statistically speaking, the most likely time a woman is killed by her husband is on the day she tries to leave him.
Now he’s telling her who to vote for. And she’s conflicted inside. And starting to stress out about election day. And then she’s watching Fox News, and hears someone say “if you vote differently than your husband - that’s cheating.” That reporter didn’t say - everyone has the Constitutional right to vote for the candidate of choice. He could have chosen different words - and he didn’t. That reporter is aiding that husband, and adding to the manipulation and intimidation to control her vote.
THAT is what I am trying to call out. And I wanted my substack readers to understand how unbelievably dangerous that rhetoric is. And maybe give people some language and vocabulary - so that if this story comes up at the water cooler or the bus pick-up corner, they’ll be able to articulate a different point of view.
I am a stanch Harris/Walz supporter. And I’d still prioritize a woman having her own self-agency than I would a vote for my candidate.
“I think it goes too far to say that someone who believes that married couples should vote the same is supporting violence.” That is not what I am saying.
Kate-you have stated this perfectly! This is America in 2024? Simply shameful!!! Keep up your good work!
100% - fantastically written and right on point, Kate. Hoping fervently that enough Harris voters show up and elect President Harris, avoiding an acceleration of this patriarchal domination!
It is absolutely true that NO ONE should be able to tell someone else how to vote. And trying to do so by threatening violence, or actually being violent, is a crime. However, I think it goes too far to say that someone who believes that married couples should vote the same is supporting violence. Too many things are accused of being “violence” these days when they are in fact only words, and Constitutionally protected words at that, and I believe this is a key factor in the attempts to shut down freedom of speech that seem to be coming with increasing frequency from both sides of the political spectrum. Telling someone how to vote is words, and there’s a fine line between discussing and telling, but in either case a person can ignore it and vote as they choose. Hitting them or threatening to hurt them for not doing what you told them is indeed violence, but I don’t see anyone advocating for that.
A couple trying to convince each other to vote one way or another is not what I am talking about. What I tried to explain is that GBV is not narrowly defined by hitting or rape. It is defined as using the patriarchy, and the unequal distribution of social power, to control women and women’s choices - including a woman’s vote. Saying “if my wife votes Kamala - that is the same as cheating” is not simple banter. That is a threat.
I guess I find it a little insulting that I might have to do what I’m told because of patriarchy. I have free will. I have equal rights under the law. If someone is truly threatening me I can leave. But while I agree with you that saying that voting for a candidate is the same as cheating is first class assholery, I can’t go so far as to say it’s violence. I’m not trying to be pedantic here, but I think differentiating between speech and violence is actually a really important issue.
I agree - it is a important issue.
Here’s the crux of my message - there is a real power imbalance in our society. Because of long existing patriarchy, GBV happens all across the USA in every income group, in every religion, in every community. Clearly it doesn’t happen in your home - that’s great. But it happens in your town - and my town and community. Maybe it even happens in our extended family. And it is something that despite the high numbers of victims - we as a country don’t talk about it enough, and few people are aware of official definitions.
If my husband told me who to vote for - I would tell him where to shove it. Sounds like you would, too. You’re right - it is our protected right. But what we clearly have in our home is not what every woman has in her home. We can’t make the assumption that if we are capable of telling our husband no - that every other woman is too.
The reality is that a lot of women are pressured and intimidated to change their behavior b/c they live in a household with abuse. It starts small - “maybe you should not see that friend anymore, I don’t like the way she riles you up.” Or “maybe you don’t need to work so much, so you can be home and focus on me and the kids.” And there is the underlying threat of “and if you don’t - there will be consequences.” Sometimes those consequences are physical, sometimes sexual, and sometimes physiological, sometimes economic. But they are real - and they are scary. Voting is not going to be an isolated incident. If you’re living in a home with GBV, its just going to be another tactic of control.
I wrote this substack b/c I don’t like the way the media covered this story. I don’t think we should just dismiss those “assholery comments” as poor taste.
Think of a woman living in a household with GBV. Her husband regularly intimates her and manipulates her to do things she doesn’t want to do. She’s probably led to believe that she deserves it, or she can’t do better on her own. Or maybe she’s just plain scared - because statistically speaking, the most likely time a woman is killed by her husband is on the day she tries to leave him.
Now he’s telling her who to vote for. And she’s conflicted inside. And starting to stress out about election day. And then she’s watching Fox News, and hears someone say “if you vote differently than your husband - that’s cheating.” That reporter didn’t say - everyone has the Constitutional right to vote for the candidate of choice. He could have chosen different words - and he didn’t. That reporter is aiding that husband, and adding to the manipulation and intimidation to control her vote.
THAT is what I am trying to call out. And I wanted my substack readers to understand how unbelievably dangerous that rhetoric is. And maybe give people some language and vocabulary - so that if this story comes up at the water cooler or the bus pick-up corner, they’ll be able to articulate a different point of view.
I am a stanch Harris/Walz supporter. And I’d still prioritize a woman having her own self-agency than I would a vote for my candidate.
Happy Election Day.
“I think it goes too far to say that someone who believes that married couples should vote the same is supporting violence.” That is not what I am saying.